


Waking Up

by HeavenwithinHell



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Depression, M/M, Suicide Attempt, Tags will be added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-26
Updated: 2014-06-29
Packaged: 2018-01-26 13:24:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1689905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeavenwithinHell/pseuds/HeavenwithinHell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Please. Please. I just to die already. This grace it’s-it’s burning out. I’m going to die sooner or later anyway . Why shouldn’t I get it over with sooner? I mean what’s so bad about getting to see the only one you truly love again?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. chapter 1

  Castiel so upset. No. he was pissed. He was horrified. Dean could not be dead.No. Not a chance that Dean was Dead. Who cares if it’s been days? Who cares if he saw Dean’s blood on that blade? Who cares if Sam says he watched it? Who cares if he’s seen Dean’s dead body himself? Castiel was in denial. And it didn’t help that Dean’s body was only a few rooms away from where he was.

  All he felt was guilt. Every last feeling coming out of this angel , well what little angel he was, was guilt. If he hadn’t been stupid enough to trust Metatron in the first place they wouldn’t be in this situation at all. He should’ve been there to save Dean with what little grace he had. He would’ve thought something up. But he was too late .Too late to save this man’s life. Too late to tell him how he felt.

   And at first , for years actually he didn’t know what it was . He would simply feel the same pressure, the same ache in his chest every time he saw or thought of Dean. He would’ve thought it was symptoms of a heart attack , but he was still a full on warrior of god when he met Dean, and it happened then . It wasn’t until Metatron gave him all the knowledge of everything, every movie , every television program, every book he has seen or read, that he realized what this feeling was.It was one he hadn’t experienced in his life in heaven . Out of all the years in heaven without humans, without Dean, only angel and he had never felt it before. It was foreign. It was love. And no it wasn’t brotherly love , like the relationship he had with Sam. It was different.Completely.

  The time read 7:53 on the clock. Sam had gone out to go do research . They had picked up a hunt to distract themselves, but to Castiel even the idea of hunting without Dean made him nauseous. It was probably the wearing angel grace too, but he missed Dean too much to be thinking of that, even though it was something that would lead to his demise.

  Castiel ,dressed in nothing ,but some of Dean’s old shorts, walked into the kitchen area of the bunker. Maybe drinking would help. Dean-Dean would do it. He got out a bottle of scotch out of the cabinet and set it on the countertop and began to reach for a drinking glass, but he mistakenly dropped the glass on the ground. He heard the glass hit the floor, but what made the impression was the feeling of the small glass shards jam into his skin . He winced and grasped the countertop.

  He grabbed another glass despite his bleeding legs and took a deep breath before slamming that glass down . He felt the prickle on this legs again, but this time more painful. And he kept throwing down those glasses , not caring whether or not he was bleeding or hurting. Nothing hurt more than Dean being gone. Nothing. And he began throwing everything glass , porcelain, anything breakable until he cried, falling to his knees and then lying down on the floor, pressing his skin against the glass, letting the small and large fragment sink in and he was losing a significant amount of blood.

  
  “Maybe i’ll get to be with Dean.” He said softly before resting his face on the ground. He was tired. Tired from all that he had done wrong. Tired of things he did right . He didn’t care if what he did was right or wrong. Not anymore. He only cared about what he felt he should do. And being with Dean was one of them. Even if he had to die to get to Dean. He felt it was worth of the pain now.

  Castiel grunts as he hears the entrance to the bunker creak open and Sam voice echo. “Cas? You up yet? I’ve got breakfast on the way back from the library.” Sam listens for castiel , while stepping down the stairs. No response. “Cas?” He said again , heading towards Castiel’s bedroom. No one there. ‘Maybe he started to make food already and can’t hear me over the food .’ He thought . He made his way over to the kitchen and was horrified to see Castiel on the ground bleeding immensely.

  “CAS!” He yelled. “What happened?” He asked . Castiel mumbled,” I did .” Sam didn’t understand. “Why would you do this?” Sam asked wanting to know why he would hurt himself like this. “I want to be with Dean.” Castiel returned breathing heavily. Sam shook his head and tried to help Castiel up “No. Let’s get you cleaned up.” Castiel pulled back and hit the floor. “Please , Sam. I just- I just want be with Dean. “ Tears streamed down his red face as he began coughing up blood.

  “Dammit Cas. You’re bleeding more than I can fix. We-we need to get you to a hospital.” Sam said lifting Cas , who began to choke out more words. “Please. Please. I just to die already. This grace it’s-it’s burning out. I’m going to die sooner or later anyway . Why shouldn’t I get it over with sooner? I mean what’s so bad about getting to see the only one you truly love again?”

  Sam was taken aback by Castiel’s words. He knew Castiel liked Dean, but to be honest he didn’t even know Castiel knew what love was. ‘Must have been Metatron.’ He thought.’With all the books and movies he know about now.’ He finally decided to speak. “Cas. I know you-you love Dean, but Dean wouldn’t want this! You're like a brother to me and since Dean is gone. I don’t have one . Not one that’s alive. I want to be around ,you, one of my best friends as much as possible before you die.I’m hoping we will find your grace before then but if not I will not have you kill yourself before you die. Do you understand me ?” Castiel nodded and complied with Sam.

  Sam hoisted castiel up the stairs and loaded him in the Impala , driving as quickly as possible. “You’re going to be okay. You got that?” He said trying to keep Castiel awake.  
They soon arrived at the hospital and Castiel was admitted. The doctors were going to remove quite a bit of glass. They would use a MRI to see where exactly to look for the glass that was jammed in deep. They wanted to know why this happened and Sam couldn’t think of a good enough lie fast enough. Sam told them that Castiel was suicidal after losing the love of his life. It wasn’t a lie,but he didn’t include how this ‘love’ died. Telling someone that he died by getting stabbed would most definitely cause trouble. But the doctor told Sam that after he has recovered from the glass he will be put in the psych division.

  Sam prayed that night, which was surprising considering how he didn’t pray much. He prayed that Dean would not be dead. He prayed Dean would wake up. That Dean would come back to them. He didn’t see it being very likely , but if someone ,anyone, out there could fix this gaping hole in his heart where his brother should be, he wouldn’t even think about what he had to do he would do it . And as much as Castiel wanted his love back he wanted his brother back just as much.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks guys. I'm sorry for the delay . Enjoy .

Crowley stood over Dean, hoping, willing , even praying for Dean to awaken . ‘That bastard.’ He thought. ‘ I was just starting to like you . Come on you stupid goat wake up.’ He taunted Dean mentally. And it worked . Dean’s eyes were open. His lungs were breathing . ALive.

He did. He woke up. Different, but alive. Aside from the few knicks on his face he was fine health wise. Uh soul wise . oh . Thats a different story.

Dean groaned when he opened his eyes. “Why the fuck are you- wait didn’t i-didn’t i die? I remember dying. Yeah . Metatron shived my ass.”There was a pause.”I shouldn’t be alive . Why am I alive ? Crowley did Sam make a deal? Why I am alive?” Dean began hyperventilating

Crowley looked down at his shoes before looking up at Dean. “Deanna. The mark. That is why you’re alive . It’s changed you a bit. I don’t know if it really makes a difference anyway, because, well you’re you, you might consider looking in the bathroom mirror. “

Dean eyed Crowley suspiciously , but allowed Crowley to help him up. He tried to walk a bit too early and was meet face to face with the floor. He glanced at Crowley, who was now, laughing uncontrollably . “Stupid.” He heard the demon mock. Dean made his way off the ground and held onto the bed frame.

Dean, slowly , but surely, made his way to the bedroom door and then to the bathroom.He felt for the light and flicked it on. It took a moment to adjust to the brightness of the room . Once he saw it , oh boy, was he surprised . “WHAT?”

Crowley could hear Dean’s heavy breathing from rooms away “What the actual fuck? No. No. No. No. I am not. No. Crowley. Fix it. I am . ” He screamed upon seeing the black eyes displayed in the mirror.He began running toward Crowley , which failed miserably, resulting in once another face plant to the floor “Tell me this is a joke . Or or  I’m hallucinating. Or-or something. Anything but this.” He whined . He looked desperate. “Please fix this crowley.”The new demon whispered.

Crowley began to walk towards Dean.   “Not sure I can. Not sure I want to either . This seems like it could be rather interesting. Maybe grab some tea. Some popcorn.” The king teased.

Dean growled , but then stopped. “Wait a second , So if I died , which I did, and Sam knew, and metatron probably went off boasting how he killed me to Cas. THey both think I’m dead because it just happened. We just found out i’m not dead. Where are they Crowley? How have they been doing? Were they dealing well?” He asked making his way off the floor for a second time.

“Well. One of the two asses got hurt. The other ass drove the first ass to the emergency room. And… after that I don’t have any idea. “ Crowley said throwing his hands up in the air. Dean grunted , rolled his eyes and shook his eyes. He could tell the king wasn’t lying. But damn it for once couldn’t he know something useful.

Dean, holding on to the walls , made his way to the kitchen . He was horrified. “Oh my god. Everything. Everything glass or or or porcelain. And the blood. Oh god. Oh god. Makes me sick.”  Dean spoke , holding his hand in front of his mouth. Tears came to his eyes. Dean turned so he wouldn’t have to see it anymore.

“Crowley. How do the poofy transport think you do?” He said. He couldn’t find the right words . All of the words had run away screaming and crying in fear at the sight of the horrendous sight. He knew he probably didn’t make much sense , but that was the best he could do for the situation present .

Crowley raised a brow at the eldest winchester. “Picture yourself there. Pretty simple. You should be able to get it.” He explained quickly , shrugging. “You should be able to get yourself there. I have kingly duties I need to attend to. Catcha later Winchester. “ And he was gone.

Dean blew out a strained breath , filled with worry. He shut his eyes. He needed to focus on getting to them. He had to make sure they were not dead. Okay.Smith County Memorial Hospital . Smith County Memorial Hospital . He took a deep breath and slowly opened his eyes.

He looked around. Parking lot. Ugh . Close enough. He started made his way towards the doors of the larger building when something caught his eye. The impala. He strode over to the car that was similarly colored like his eyes. He looked into the back seat. Blood and a lot of it .Fuck . Theres still so much blood. Dammit guys.

He hated this . He hated not knowing who was hurt or if they were going to be okay. He turned away from the muscle car sprinted towards the door. His heart strained and not from the running. Either Sam or Cas was hurt and hurt bad.

His eyes flicked back to green and he rushed to the receptionists desk.He flashed the woman a nervous smile. “Would you be able to check to see if either one of my friends is admitted?” He bit his lip . Sweat poured down his face. Partially from from running , but the majority was from nervousness. He quietly hummed Metallica in between any words spoken.

The woman smiled back sweetly . She could see the worry and heartbreak in the mans eyes so she spoke reassuringly. “Of course , sweetheart. What are their names?”

He stopped humming to speak. He began to murmur. “Sam Winchester. And uh Jimmy Novak.” He knew that both Cas and Sam would use the name of Castiel’s vessel. It just made sense to use the name of the man who had control over. He let out another labored breath.

“Okay,” The woman spoke, typing the names into her computer,” Wait just a minute , sweetie . This computer is a bit slow. So how did you get all those nicks and cuts? “ She said curiously , gesturing to his face and arms.

“Oh. Uh . I-I box. It’s a dirty sport sometimes.” He said with a smile , bluffing easily. “Ya’know It’s happens.” He heard the ding of her computer and stop talking to look up at her face, giving her all of his attention.

“Sam Winchester isn’t currently admitted , however your friend Jimmy is in the ICU .” Dean could the see that she was sorry about it. She was very friendly and empathetic person. He wanted to just hug her for her kindness. He wanted someone to hug onto that didn’t know him. Someone to help him through this.

Tears began to well up in the demons eyes. He closed his eyes and shook his head. he let a few tears drop before mumbling to himself. “Goddammit.” He said speaking quietly. He let out a long breath and looked back to the woman. “Can I visit him? “ He asked anguish seeping from his voice . His breaths were uneven and shaky.

“Yes. But he may not be awake . Most of the people in the ICU are in a coma. “ She said. “He may also not be there due to MRI and Surgeries and such. Okay?” She said warning the green eyed person. “The room number is D2-503. Good luck sir. “ She finished speaking and sent Dean a wave.

Dean started on the long walk to the room , passing rooms with many broken and ill people. And he can sympathize with their families. He knows exactly how they feel. He feels the same heart break they do . And he desperately wishes they feel better too. It didnt matter if he was a demon . This was horrible. He couldn’t imagine why one would want to be a doctor or work in a hospital . There is so much loss to witness. Who would want to be a part of that?

He finally got to the oak door he drew in a deep breath. He grabbed the door knob and turned it slowly , opening the door. 

There he was. Cas . Hooked up to machines , eyes closed , asleep. Cuts and gashes all over his body. Sam sat in the chair next to the bed asleep with a distressed look upon his face. He felt like puking. He had to get out. Now. He stepped  out the room and slid down the wall, clutching his legs. He felt a tapping on his shoulders and looked up. A nurse . Great just what I needed. He thought sarcastically. “Sir. Are you okay? “ The nurse asked.

“I’m fine. It’s just my friend in there.My best friend actually. He seems really bad. And I don’t know what i’m going to do if he dies. I’ve known him for such along time and …” He mumbled quietly. “Do you-Do you know what happened? Did they tell you?”

The man in scrubs nodded. “Yeah. He tried to kill himself. Tall guy in there said someone he loved died and he couldn’t handle it. Do you know who died? “ Dean's eyes widened.

“Yeah. I-I know who died. I was really close to the them. I’ve known them their entire life” The nurse nodded and spoke once more.

“He got an MRI earlier and should be going in for an operation later . At five I think. Maybe he’ll wake up man . I’m sorry. I’m sure tall guy in there will call you if he does. “ He suggested trying to make the man feel better.

Dean nodded. “Thank you. I’ll talk to you later.” He said standing up. He waved goodbye and headed back into the room. He had to talk to Cas even though he couldn’t hear him.

“Cas, I’m so sorry. If I had been there. If I hadn’t died. I-I know this isn’t something you will forgive me for . I don't deserve forgiveness. “ He held the mans hand and ran his free fingers through Castiel’s hair. He so desperately wanted the man to just wake up.  

 


End file.
